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No point 2010

Dec. 29th, 2009 | 03:03 pm
mood: moody moody

Another year passed and nothing changed. I am still miserable and going nowhere fast. Maybe make this my last year? I dunno, too lazy and useless to really do anything.

Back into shitty slump :/

May. 18th, 2008 | 12:21 am
location: Home, where else would I be?
mood: depressed depressed
music: David Bowie - Magic Dance

I'm down again, hurray. It was nice being happy sometimes while it lasted. I'm not sure if it's a combination of shitty situations, EG losing my job and such, or if it's because I quit my pills (probably not the pills though since I was still having major depressive episodes while on them), but I seem miserable more and more of the time. I can't imagine how the future will get any better - there's no series of events no matter how much I think, that'll make me ultimately happier. Blah. No matter what I do, in a few years/decades I'll be dead and nothing as if I were never here, because an afterlife is a delusion of people who are afraid of the truth.

In other me news, I fail at LARP. Of my characters two are actively being sought by higher member-class (a stupid system in our club that gives extra starting XP to long-term players) folks for killing - there's no way if the conflict in Changeling continues that my character would back down so he's dead the moment Mike or Shafik comes near me, and Tobias has apperently been declared a target for the war between the Vampires. At least Durham is min-maxed for fighting enough that I MIGHT be able to fend off Mike for a little while; Tobias is statted like an accountant with a few vampiric disciplines, sigh.

My only other two characters are also fairly boring, mostly becaues I never have the motivation to do anything on my own in game and so get left behind and do not make myself useful.

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Apr. 16th, 2008 | 04:27 pm

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Critical Hit

Mar. 4th, 2008 | 10:18 am
mood: sad sad

Gary Gygax is dead today. :/

You Ruined Everything (In the Nicest Way)

Feb. 19th, 2008 | 06:03 pm
location: Home
mood: loved loved
music: Jonathan Coulton - You Ruined Everything

I was fine
I pulled myself together
Just in time
To throw myself away
Once my perfect world was gone I knew
You ruined everything
In the nicest way

You should know
How great things were before you
Even so
They're better still today
I can't think of who I was before
You ruined everything
In the nicest way

Bumps in the road remind us
The worst of the best behind us
Only good things will find us
Me and you

Days will be clear and sunny
We're gonna need more money
Baby you know it's funny
All those stories

Coming true
Despite my better efforts
It's all for you
The worst kind of cliche
I'll be with you till the day you leave
You ruined everything
In the nicest way


Feb. 8th, 2008 | 08:10 pm
location: Beside the gorgeous new black PC, Canada
mood: loved loved
music: Queen - Somebody To Love

So since last time things have gotten more hopeful for me. I know I'm a dork for doing the long-distance relation thing again but..Katie just feels different to me. I've been acting somewhat different even, since I've fallen for that silly silly girl.

I met her through that wonderful mess of a game known as Serenity MUSH (which we've both since abandoned due to staff incompetence), and we've been friends since around the time I first ran into her (now deceased :() character, Nano. We got to talking a lot about all manner of things, and when it came to our attention that we were both Trans and into girls, well, first our characters and then our players just sorta grew on each other.

It's silly but I've never felt as good as Katie makes me feel, not once. We now regularly pop on webcam and such and just generally enjoy eachother's company. The things she says make me blush - it's rare that anyone will say they think /I/ of all people am attractive (even if I still look like a stinky boy), and I feel the same way towards her. I've started dieting just so I can improve on that for her - I know it'll take a while but if I can lose say 20 lbs by June (which is a pretty reasonable, even conservative goal), then I'll feel much better about myself.

Right now, I'm browsing travel websites - looks like Seattle is the way to go to get to Los Angeles if I wanna save money.

I am so freaking happy :>
Tags: ,

The Future, Soon

Dec. 6th, 2007 | 09:55 pm
location: A Space Platform, in Space
mood: contemplative contemplative
music: Jonathan Coulton

Last week I left a note on Laura’s desk
It said I love you signed anonymous friend
Turns out she’s smarter than I thought she was
She knows I wrote it, now the whole class does too
And I’m alone during couple skate
When she skates by with some guy on her arm
But I know that I’ll forget the look of pity in her face
When I’m living in my solar dome on a platform in space

Cause it’s gonna be the future soon
And I won’t always be this way
When the things that make me weak and strange get engineered away
It’s gonna be the future soon
I’ve never seen it quite so clear
And when my heart is breaking I can close my eyes and it’s already here

I’ll probably be some kind of scientist
Building inventions in my space lab in space
I’ll end world hunger I’ll make dolphins speak
Work through the daytime, spend my nights and weekends
Perfecting my warrior robot race
Building them one laser gun at a time
I will do my best to teach them
About life and what it’s worth
I just hope that I can keep them from destroying the Earth

Cause it’s gonna be the future soon
And I won’t always be this way
When the things that make me weak and strange get engineered away
It’s gonna be the future soon
I’ve never seen it quite so clear
And when my heart is breaking I can close my eyes and it’s already

Here on Earth they’ll wonder
As I piece by piece replace myself
And the steel and circuits will make me whole
But I’ll still feel so alone
Until Laura calls me home

I’ll see her standing by the monorail
She’ll look the same except for bionic eyes
She lost the real ones in the robot wars
I’ll say I’m sorry, she’ll say it’s not your fault
Or is it?
And she eyes me suspiciously
Hearing the whir of the servos inside
She will scream and try to run
But there’s nowhere she can hide
When a crazy cyborg wants to make you his robot bride

Well it’s gonna be the future soon
And I won’t always be this way
When the things that make me weak and strange get engineered away
It’s gonna be the future soon
I’ve never seen it quite so clear
And when my heart is breaking I can close my eyes and it’s already here

(Had to share this tune, I feel really oddly connected to this song)


Dec. 5th, 2007 | 09:52 pm
location: Home
mood: depressed depressed
music: Jonathan Coulton

The usual late night despair. What the hell is the reason to get up in the morning? I'm certainly not alive to work. But I don't really have anything else either except hopes for the future that will almost certainly never happen.

Most of them are my own fault and if I had more willpower and had made better choices I wouldn't feel this way.

Gah it's all a big mess.

Konnichiwa, bitches!

Dec. 11th, 2006 | 01:27 am
location: housesitting in Langley City
mood: Reflective Reflective
music: Heart - Crazy On You

Sup friends and foes and foreigners and uhh..I don't even know where I'm going with all that.

It's been all up and down for ages and now I look at my livejournal account and I realize it's been nearly two years since the last time I posted to this journal! Holy shit! So I will begin the ballad of things-that-have-happened-to-lizzy/derek-in-the-past-two-years. BUMBUMBUM.

The majority of this time was The Art Instiute of Vancouver.
Biggest mistake and most fun of my life, that.
I loved doing the things I learned there - I was a digital film/video student, meaning writing, directing, editing, acting, and more - but I hated the schedules, the creative restraints on time and equipment, and the general attitude of the staff (there were a few gems among them, most notably Rob Wenzek who is the fucking man. There's a reason why students wrote elaborate musical numbers about him, he is just so brutally honest yet totally supportive). My friends there were great - some of my favorite in fact, as they share the creative spirit that is so rare in Alder-hole. Our teams even won some province-wide awards, most notably for two shorts where I was one of the main actors - a music video about a hobo, and a mockumentary on the search for sasquatch. The music video is here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXnLPNiBMb8 but sadly there is no link for Sasquatch in the Mist.

Needless to say I got out of their very broke, and jobless to boot as I didn't finish the program due to hatred of the administrative faculty, and lack of money. And so it was back to the slump I always did, maybe even moreso as I didn't even seem to have the energy for roleplaying on MUSHes and that sort of thing. This was about March 2006, and I struggled then to find work I could tolerate - I'm trying to be picky, but it just isn't working. First I ended up stocking shelves at retail, a hellish, tiny store without even enough room to have a separate room for a warehouse. I was fired in the second month and thought little of it. I went into freelance computer repair an web-consulting, but the work was so rare that even at drastically lowered prices I got nothing.

For a while, I did get a little volunteer work on a fun little Firefly fan project, helping build sets and securing locations for the internet TV series at www.intotheblack.ca - look for my ugly mug as one of the Boss' goons in the big shootout scene of episode 1, whenever it's released!

I thought it would turn around when I landed every slacker's dream job, but since it was through a temp agency, they instead decided to fire me without warning, rehire me for two weeks, fire me again..and I'm sure they'll ask one more time before the game is through. The employer was Electronic Arts Canada, and I did have some good times despite the treachery - who wouldn't love sitting at a desk with a pre-release Playstation 3, for 8 hours a day, and getting paid $11 /hr? The people on the actual teams were funny and fun to hang out with, but the general disorganization of the company was a bit of a turnoff.

So now I'm sitting here in Langley looking after a house with my best buds for the third week, before heading home..no job to buy christmas presents, and worse, to pay my student loan payments this month.

That's more or less everything of note that's happened to me since last I spoke. Heh. As always, a few people have stood out as pillars for me, especially Maki and Helen, no big surprise there. They are people that I always feel I can latch onto for attention, and I'm glad to have both of them in my life, even remotely. I wish I wasn't so shy or had more privacy, as I really do enjoy talking to both of them on the phone when they call, long distance.

Babble babble babble, okay I'm done. For now.


Nov. 7th, 2004 | 09:44 pm
mood: bouncy bouncy
music: Radiohead - Creep

Journal o.o!